Dashboard Confidentials

I want to be able to say...

2009-11-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

... That I've moved on, that I've grown from that experience and I've learned more about myself and of others. If I can honestly do so, well, I'm not quite sure, but I know I want to. Looking back and seeing those entries brought back a wave of feelings that I really didn't want to go back to. As did seeing that person for the first time since that whole episode happened. I need something new to move on to, however it seems that whenever I have anything anywhere near my realm of grasping it gets taken away as soon as it becomes a thought. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe I still need more time to sort things out in my head, to realize exactly who I am and what I need, and what I want to do in order to get it, instead of waiting for it to present itself to me. Everything is a two-way street, and I have to get out of the groove of just following in other people's steps, I need to step up and assert myself, to do what I can to get what I want. First, I just need to find the confidence to do so- which in the end I know is going to be the biggest task.
It seems like whenever I'm not doing anything, not creating anything I turn into a blob of nothingness. I feel as though I add nothing to the world around me, that I am virtually useless. In a way, I guess that isn't that far off. If I cannot contribute, than what good am I anyways? That statement isn't supposed to sound as depressing as I know it does, but in the end, isn't it the truth. I need to give something, whether it be a helping hand or motivation in order to be functioning as a necessary part of any community. I look like a doof in that last picture. So here is a new one.
Oh, the stages I go through.

I wish things would just work out as I want them to...

...As does everyone else in the world.

I took the initiative...

2009-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

...And started communication back again.
I feel sick, I'm so distraught, this was so much more difficult than I had imagined.
But at least now I know.
I'm pretty sure it's going to take a while for me to get my act back together with this one.
I just, can't stop crying.

I think there is a ghost after me.

2009-08-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

I think it assaulted me last night.
I was laying down in my bed and I felt something hit me, like my ear and shoulder, as if something just got dropped or someone let their hand free-fall. I felt it move my hair, and heard the noise of it coming in contact with me. After a few minutes my shoulder started to get more and more sore. So I got up and just started doing stuff in my room.
I eventually laid back down a few hours later because I was still sleepy, and then I "woke up" in the middle of a nap, and looked at my printer and it was smoking, the printer that isn't connected to anything.
I jumped off of my bed thinking my room was about to go up in flames as I put my and on it to feel if there was any heat. Smoke just kept rising and rising, but I couldn't feel or see a flame, so I couldn't see exactly where it was coming from. I went to turn on my ceiling fan light, but pulled the wrong cord by accident and changed the speed of my fan. Then, I grabbed the right one and my light brightly shone on the situation at hand. As I stare at my printer, this recently smoking pile of paper, CDs and other various items, I see nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I don't know what just happened, but I was really uneasy about it. It wasn't like I was dreaming that my printer was on fire, because I wasn't even really sleeping, just kind of laying in bed dozing off, and then I woke up. I saw it coming, to the point where I got up to feel it and it just got worse.

Something is messing around with my head.

2009-08-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still so frustrated.
I just don't understand.
I just want to know what happened. You were a big part in my life for the past few months, and I thought at least a foundation of a friendship was forged somewhere in there, but I guess I was wrong. I don't think I'd be so affected by everything had there been even an attempt of contact made. This whole situation just sucks and I hate that I put myself in this sort of position, and even more that I have resorted to writing about it online. I'm ready to move on with my life and to tackle the rest of the problems going on in it, I just want to know that that is the best thing to do.
I'll let you go, sure it will be hard, but just tell me to and I'll make it happen, I can't keep feeling like this for much longer.
This is stupid.

2009-08-23T15:30:00.001-07:00

I'm so depressed and disappointed in myself.
I always told myself that I wouldn't put myself in any situation like this, and yet here I am.
I feel so used and tossed aside, I refuse to let someone drag me on any more while I follow blindly and just wait until they find someone prettier or more convenient to screw, if they haven't already. I'm just so lost and confused, because this was all unexpected. Everything came to a grinding halt and I'm just not sure what to make of it. I keep telling myself to just move on and forget it all happened, but this whole thing has has such a huge impact on my life, a huge part in my life, and now it's just gone. I just wish that some sort of contact would be made, I don't know what I would do, I hope I wouldn't pretend to be happy and act as though nothing was wrong, I want to tell him that he's made me feel like complete shit, but I just don't know if I could.

Thank you unnamed person, you taught me a great lesson, stick to my guns and don't let anyone get me to stray away from my morals and what I believe in.
Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself.

This blows.

2009-08-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

I want to despise you with every cell in my being.
I want to work past this.

This is one of the only things that matters to me anymore:

I feel so unfulfilled.

2009-08-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

In a lot of respects. I don't know what I'm doing in any aspect of my life anymore, and have lost all motivation to try to dig myself out. I've had opportunities to make my life go more into the direction that I have deemed acceptable, and denied them, or at least postponed them (with the ever bearing threat that the opportunity will soon pass) because I am so hung up on something that won't ever happen.
I hate what you've done to me.

I don't know why...

2009-08-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

... I keep doing things like this to myself. I consistently set myself up for a huge letdown, and know perfectly well that it is going to happen. I don't think I've gotten more upset over a single person more frequently than this one, and even though all signs tell me to get the hell away I always go back.
I'm hoping I have a meltdown and just spill everything, maybe it will make things better, or maybe they will just learn to hide what they say better.
This is me constantly over reacting over something that part of me should not over react about, but that the other part should a lot more.

I should take that date.
No I shouldn't.

Also, I know I out of nowhere sucked the big one in keeping this up. I did consciously say "go write something" and then just didn't.
Oops.

I'm in New Hampshire.

2009-07-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

It was about a three hour ride up here, with no traffic except for a bit of construction, bringing the highway to one lane (no breeze in the car on a hot, sunny day is a terrible idea). Went to Manchester, walked around and did what needed to be done, went with Gabby to get her tattoo, went to Abigail's house, went to Lizzie's house, who had a party, froze and got eaten alive by mosquitoes, now I'm back at Abby's.
I'm awkward and anti-social, crap.

Also, I'm hot and smelly.
I hope I'm making terrible first impressions wherever I go.
No I don't.

It's 5:18 in the morning...

2009-07-10T02:18:00.000-07:00

... And I haven't showered, finished packing, or really gotten ready to leave at all.
I still have two hours and ten minutes to start, finish, and sleep.
That's enough... Right?

Dear New Hampshire,
Here I come.

-Kari

P.S.
Please be gentle on me.

I can't believe people.

2009-07-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

http://bit.ly/13IKFx
A private club made a group of minority campers leave their swimming area, after the camp had paid for them to use it. They said derogatory things about them, claAiming that having those children in their pool would change the complexion of the area. Really guys, really? This is equally ridiculous and disgusting. I would think by now these kinds of things would be done and over. They say that they refunded the camp and said they couldn't go into the pool because it was crowded. Those people paid to use it, and the club knew how many people were in the group. They should have adequately prepared to handle that many people, and not make such absurd excuses for their terrible behavior towards innocent children. I'm so upset for them, they never did anything wrong, and now they have a negative view on themselves and their appearance. I hope that club gets the reprimands they deserve.

I woke up...

2009-07-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

... A little while ago because I was hot. And I was getting messages on AIM. Now I'm cold and my elbow is hurting me something awful (I don't know why I phrase things like that. But I'm not stopping now.), and now my knees are sore.
I'm falling apart.

I got my hair cut today. I do something like that every time I have some sort of mental breakdown it seems. In my head, I think I rationalize doing things like that as a way to change something about myself, trying to figure out how to make everything fit together nicely. I feel like if I change myself, maybe other things will follow suit. It hasn't worked once yet, but I'll see where it takes me. So this is what I now look like, which, I will admit is quite the upgrade from before. That last lady stole my bangs, I fought this lady to get them back. I'm still thinking about straight bangs. Every time I get my hair cut, I instantly think of what I want to get done next. I never used to get it cut, maybe once or twice a year. Now, it's almost monthly. Stinkin' hair follicles, crampin' my style. Who am I kidding? I have no style.

And it begins.

2009-07-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I expect to get out of this, or if I expect anything at all. But in the end I guess that doesn't really matter. I'm a recently turned 19-year-old lady living in a small Connecticut village.
I adore my family, no matter how twisted they are. When I mean my family, I guess I mean more my mom's side than my dad's, whom I rarely see. I'm an only child, and grew up around my maternal family while my parents worked. I was raised to change, to understand that things are not always going to be the same no matter how much we wish they would. I moved from house to house daily, and would be driven back to my hometown to go to school. Packing up and leaving is not a big deal in my eyes. I can pack up my stuff and take off as if it was nothing, and I never really understood what the big deal with a sleepover was.
I have crippling social anxiety, and was never a talkative person. I keep to myself, and keep quiet, I'm not big on attracting attention to myself, and I doubt I ever will be. I can't say that I've ever yelled before, specifically full-blown screaming words of anger at another person who wronged me in one way or another. I tend to just bottle things up and put it away, which, admittedly, isn't the healthiest thing to do, however it is how I learned to deal with things.
I also stay away from people, close myself off and dwell until I get over whatever I'm worried about. I've been doing that more and more lately.
I have an anxiety problem, where when I think about dying it sends me spiraling into a horrific anxiety attack. I've been dealing with it for years, and some days are better than others, as are most people.

There's nothing about me that's all that special or important. To each his own.